Top 10 Languages Spoken In The World

10. French
Number Of Speakers: 129 Million
Often called the most romantic language in the world, French is spoken in tons of countries, including Belgium, Canada, Rwanda, Cameroon, and Haiti. Oh, and France too. We're actually very lucky that French is so popular, because without it, we might have been stuck with Dutch Toast, Dutch Fries, and Dutch kissing (ew!).
To say "hello" in French, say "Bonjour" (bone-JOOR).

9. Malay-Indonesian
Number Of Speakers: 159 Million
Malay-Indonesian is spoken - surprise - in Malaysia and Indonesia. Actually, we kinda fudged the numbers on this one because there are many dialects of Malay, the most popular of which is Indonesian. But they're all pretty much based on the same root language, which makes it the ninth most-spoken in the world.
Indonesia is a fascinating place; a nation made up of over 13,000 islands it is the sixth most populated country in the world. Malaysia borders on two of the larger parts of Indonesia (including the island of Borneo), and is
mostly known for its capital city of Kuala Lumpur.
To say "hello" in Indonesian, say "Hai" (Hi).

8. Portuguese
Number Of Speakers: 191 Million
Think of Portuguese as the little language that could. In the 12th Century, Portugal won its independence from Spain and expanded all over the world with the help of its famous explorers like Vasco DA Gama and Prince Henry the Navigator. (Good thing Henry became a navigator . . . Could you imagine if a guy named "Prince Henry the Navigator" became a florist?) Because Portugal got in so early on the exploring game, the language established itself all over the world, especially in Brazil (where it's the national language), Macau, Angola, Venezuela, and Mozambique.
To say "hello" in Portuguese, say "Bom dia" (bohn DEE-ah).

7. Bengali
Number Of Speakers: 211 Million
In Bangladesh, a country of 120+ million people, just about everybody speaks Bengali. And because Bangladesh is virtually surrounded by India (where the population is growing so fast, just breathing the air can get you pregnant), the number of Bengali speakers in the world is much higher than most people would expect.
To say "hello" in Bengali, say "Ei Je" (EYE-jay).

6. Arabic
Number Of Speakers: 246 Million
Arabic, one of the world's oldest languages, is spoken in the Middle East, with speakers found in countries such as Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Iraq, Syria, Jordan, Lebanon, and Egypt. Furthermore, because Arabic is the language of the Koran, millions of Muslims in other countries speak Arabic as well. So many people have a working knowledge of Arabic, in fact, that in 1974 it was made the sixth official language of the United Nations.
To say "hello" in Arabic, say "Al salaam a'alaykum" (Ahl sah-LAHM ah ah-LAY-koom).

5. Russian
Number Of Speakers: 277 Million
Mikhail Gorbachev, Boris Yeltsin, and Yakov Smirnoff are among the millions of Russian speakers out there. Sure, we used to think of them as our Commie enemies. Now we think of them as our Commie friends. One of the six languages in the UN, Russian is spoken not only in the Mother Country, but also in Belarus, Kazakhstan, and the U.S. (to name just a few places).
To say "hello" in Russian, say "Zdravstvuite" (ZDRAST-vet-yah).

4. Spanish
Number Of Speakers: 392 Million
Aside from all of those kids who take it in high school, Spanish is spoken in just about every South American and Central American country, not to mention Spain, Cuba, and the U.S. There is a particular interest in Spanish in the U.S., as many English words are borrowed from the language, including: tornado, bonanza, patio, quesadilla, enchilada, and taco Grande supreme.
To say "hello" in Spanish, say "Hola" (OH-la).

3. Hindustani
Number Of Speakers: 497 Million
Hindustani is the primary language of India's crowded population, and it encompasses a huge number of dialects (of which the most commonly spoken is Hindi). While many predict that the population of India will soon surpass that of China, the prominence of English in India prevents Hindustani from surpassing the most popular language in the world. If you're interested in learning a little Hindi, there's a very easy way: rent an Indian movie. The film industry in India is the most prolific in the world, making thousands of action/romance/musicals every year.
To say "hello" in Hindustani, say "Namaste" (Nah-MAH-stay).

2. English
Number Of Speakers: 508 Million
While English doesn't have the most speakers, it is the official language of more countries than any other language. Its speakers hail from all around the world, including the U.S., Australia, England, Zimbabwe, the Caribbean, Hong Kong, South Africa, and Canada. We'd tell you more about English, but you probably feel pretty comfortable with the language already. Let's just move on to the most popular language in the world.
To say "hello" in English, say "What's up, freak?" (watz-UP-freek).

1. Mandarin
Number Of Speakers: 1 Billion+
Surprise, surprise, the most widely spoken language on the planet is based in the most populated country on the planet, China. Beating second-place English by a 2 to 1 ratio, but don't let that lull you into thinking that Mandarin is easy to learn. Speaking Mandarin can be really tough, because each word can be pronounced in four ways (or "tones"), and a beginner will invariably have trouble distinguishing one tone from another. But if over a billion people could do it, so could you. Try saying hello!
To say "hello" in Mandarin, say "Ni hao" (Nee HaOW). ("Hao" is pronounced as one syllable, but the tone requires that you let your voice drop midway, and then raise it again at the end.)

Extreme Joke

Why Are Men Happier

Men Are Just Happier People . What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put .

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too yucky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes. One color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look!

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You don't freakout when you go to a party and see another man wearing the same shirt, instead you become buddies.

No WONDER men are happier..

WInner & Loser

*Winners and Losers* Do you want to win or lose in your career, in school, in a business, or just in the game of life in general?? The choice is yours!

*A winner* says, "If it is to be, it is up to me."
A loser says, "I can't help it."

*A winner* translates dreams into reality.
A loser translates reality into dreams.

*A winner* empowers.
A loser controls.

*A winner* says, "Let's find out."
A loser says, "Nobody knows."

*A winner* is part of the solution.
A loser is part of the problem.

*A winner* is not afraid of losing.
A loser is afraid of winning.

*A winner* works harder than a loser.
A loser is always "too busy."

*A winner* says, "I was wrong."
A loser says, "It wasn't my fault."

*A winner* "wants to".
A loser "has to".

*A winner* makes time.
A loser wastes time.

*A winner* makes commitments.
A loser makes promises.

*A winner* says,"I'm good, but not as good as I can be."
A loser says."I'm not as bad as a lot of other people"

*A winner* listens.
A loser just waits until it's his/her turn to talk.

*A winner* catches people doing things right.
A loser catches people doing things wrong.

*A winner* learns from others.
A loser resents other.

*A winner* sees opportunities.
A loser sees problems.

*A winner* does it.
A loser talks about it.

*A winner* feels responsibility for more than his job.
A loser says, "I only work here."

*A winner* says, "There ought to be a better way."
A loser says, "That's the way it's always been done."

*A winner* celebrates others.
A loser complains about others.

*A winner* is willing to "pay the price."
A loser expects it on a "silver platter."

*A winner* expects success.
A loser expects failure.

If NASA Needs Money

Stupid Questions With The Smart Answer

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick .

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

Waiter : Would you like to Have BLACK COFFEE..
COUSTOMER : "What other colors do you have?"

My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated" .

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at
the same time."

Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

Name & Meaning

Instructions: What you do is find out what each letter of your name means. Then connect all the meanings and it describes YOU.

PS: If you have double or triple letters, just count the meaning once.

For Example: SUJATA

S - You are very broad-minded.
U - You feel like you have to equal up to people's standards.
J - Jealously
A - You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.
T - You have an attitude, a big one.
A - You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.

=============================================
A You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.
B You are always cautious when it comes to meeting new people.
C You definitely have a partier side in you, don't be shy to show it.
D You have trouble trusting people.
E You are a very exciting person.
F Everyone loves you.
G You have excellent ways of viewing people.
H You are not judgmental.
I You are always smiling and making others smile.
J Jealously
K You like to try new things.
L Love is something you deeply believe in.
M Success comes easily to you.
N You like to work, but you always want a break.
O You are very open-minded.
P You are very friendly and understanding.
Q You are a hypocrite.
R You are a social butterfly.
S You are very broad-minded.
T You have an attitude, a big one.
U You feel like you have to equal up to people's standards.
V You have a very good physique and looks.
W You like your privacy.
X You never let people tell you what to do.
Y You cause a lot of trouble.
Z You're always fighting with someone

You Did It

Not Every Tree can Stands Thirst

But Cactus Did it.



Not Every Animals can Represent our Nation

But Lion Did it.

Not Every Flower Can Represent Love

But Roses Did it.

Not Every Monkey Can Read this

But You Did it !!!!

Just Kidding. Dont take it too serious.

Pharmacist Story

A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me a condom. My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and I think she is expecting something from me!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom; and as the young man is going out, he returns and tells him: "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think she expects something from me too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom; and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, "After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mom is still pretty cute, and when she sees me she always makes
allusions... And since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting something from me!!"

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mom facing him.

When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying: Dear Lord, bless this dinner... Thank you for all you give us...!!!"

A minute later the boy is still praying: "Thank you Lord for your kindness.."

Ten minutes go on and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.

The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than the others.

She gets close to the boy and whispers in his ear: "I didn't know you were so religious!!!"

The boy replies :"I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!!!"

Bill Gates

Did u know??

1. Bill Gates earns US$250 every SECOND, that's about US$20 Million a DAY and US$7.8 Billion a YEAR!

2. If he drops a thousand dollar, he won't even bother to pick it up because the 4 seconds he picks it, he would've already earned it back.

3. The US national debt is about 5.62 trillion, if Bill Gates were to pay the debt by himself; he will finish it in less then 10 years.

4. He can donate US$15 to everyone on earth but still be left with US$5 Million for his pocket money.

5. Michael Jordan is the highest paid athlete in US. If he doesn't drink and eat, and keeps up his annual income I.e. US$30 Million, he'll have to wait for 277 years to become as rich as Bill Gates is now.

6. If Bill Gates was a country, he would be the 37th richest country on earth.

7. If you change all of Bill Gate's money to US$1notes, you can make a road from the earth to moon, 14 times back and forth. But you have to make that road non-stop for 1,400 years, and use a total of 713 BOEING
747 planes to transport all the money.

My Perfect Love

When I first talked to you,
I didn't know what to say,
But the more we talked,
The more my heart gave way

But now when I think of you,
And how you changed my life,
I can't imagine,
A day without your light

You light up my day,
As if you were the sun,
You are that sense of completion,
When my difficult project is done

You are my strength, and wisdom,
And the keeper of my heart
Whose grip never weakens,
Even when we're apart,

I think of you all day,
And dream of you all night,
And every night I wish
That you could hold me tight

You are always on my mind,
No matter what time or day,
Even when I shouldn't
I think about you anyway

And when I think of you this much
The day seems so long
And all the time we spend apart,
Just seems so wrong

You are my special gift
Sent from up above
Sent to me from heaven
Sent for me to love

Thank you for your smile
And your light that fills my dreams
You always make it brighter
No matter how dark it seems

A Mail from a Frustrated Victim

* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.

* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

* I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.

* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.

* I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

* When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times.

* I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program would arrive soon.

* My free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland.

* Still open to help some from Bulgaria who wants to use my account to transfer his uncle property of some hundred millions $.

* Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Ganesh Vandana,Tirupathi Balaji pics etc.. Now most of those 'Wishes' are already married (to someone else)


Thanks and Regards,

A Frustrated Victim

Are You Okay?

I'm Here for You

I cannot ease your aching heart,
Nor take your pain away;
But let me stay and take your hand
And walk with you today.

I'll listen when you need to talk,
I'll wipe away your tears;
I'll share your worries when they come,
I'll help you face your fears.

I'm here and I will stand by you,
On each hill you have to climb;
So take my hand, let's face the world...
And live just one day at a time.

You're not alone, for I'm still here,
I'll go that extra mile;
And when your grief is easier,
I'll help you learn to smile!

If I knew

If I knew it would be the last time I'd see you fall asleep, I would tuck you in more tightly and "pray the God, your soul to keep."

If I knew it would be the last time I'd see you walk out the door, I would give you a hug and kiss you, and call you back for more.

If I knew it would be the last time I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise, I would video tape each action and word, so I could play them back day after
day.

If I knew it would be the last time I could spare an extra minute or so to stop and say "I love you," instead of assuming you would know I do.

If I knew it would be the last time I would be there to share your day, I'm sure you'll have so many more, so I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there's always tomorrow to make up for an oversight, and we always get a second chance to make everything right.

There will always be another day, to say our "I love you's", and certainly there's another chance to say our "Anything I can do's?"

But, just in case I might be wrong, and today is all I get, I'd like to say how much I love you, and I hope we never forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike, and today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight.

So, if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today? For, if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day...

That you didn't take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss, and you were too busy to grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish.

So, hold your loved ones close today, and whisper in their ear, that you love them very much and you'll always hold them dear.

Take time to say "I'm sorry," "Please forgive me," "thank you," or "its okay
.
And if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today.

Love and Marriage

A student ask a teacher, "what is love?"

The teacher said, "in order to answer your question, go to the paddy field and choose the biggest paddy and come back.

But the rule is: you can go throught them only once and cannot turn back to pick."

The student went to the field, go thru first row, he saw one big paddy,but he wonders....may be there is a bigger one later.

Then he saw another bigger one... but may be there is a even bigger one waiting for him.

Later, when he finished more than half of the paddy field, he start to realise that the paddy is not as big as the previous one he saw, heknow he has missed the biggest one, and he regretted !!!!

So, he ended up went back to the teacher with empty hand. The teacher told him, "...this is love... you keep looking for a better one, but when later you realise, you have already miss the person...."

"What is marriage then?" the student asked. The teacher said, "in order to answer your question, go to the corn field and choose the biggest corn and come back.

But the rule is: you can go throught them only once and cannot turn back to pick."

The student went to the corn field, this time he is careful not to repeat the previous mistake, when he reach the middle of the field, he has picked one medium corn that he feel satisfy and come back to the teacher.

The teacher told him, "this time you bring back a corn.... you look for one that is just nice, and you have faith and believe this is the best one you get.... this is marriage."

Life's Unanswered Questions

1. How come only car keys are the only keys with teeth on both sides?
2. Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
3. When something's funny why is it called a "knee-slapper" when you actually slap your thigh?
4. Why is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs yet the mom weighs 30 lbs more?
5. Since a running back runs forward, why is he called a running back?
6. If you die and you have a broken leg do they take the cast off?
7. Is sign language the same in languages other than English?
8. Why is "number" abbreviated as "no"? When there is no "o" in number?
9. Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn't be more fun to eat a big one?
10. Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work?
11. Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?
12. Who gets to keep the pennies in a wishing well?
13. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
14. Why is Donkey Kong called "DONKEY" Kong if he's a monkey?
15. If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?
16. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
17. Do the air bubbles that are created when you fart in water, smell when they pop?
18. When a boy is named after his dad, he is called Junior,' but what do you call a girl that is named after her mother?
19. Does Hawaiian Punch come from Hawaii?
20. If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?
21. Can you cry under water?
22. Why do people say PIN number when that truly means Personal Identification Number Number?
23. Why is Christmas colors red and green when Santa's suit is red and white?
24. Why do you DELETE something on the computer, but ERASE something on paper?
25. Since there is a rule that states "I" before "e" except after "c", wouldn't "science" be spelled wrong?
26. If the S.W.A.T team comes to your house and breaks down your door, do they replace it later?
27. If the handicapped bathrooms are for people who cant walk why do they put them at the end of the bathrooms?
28. Why is it that on the back of a medicine bottle it says "adult" is 12 and above, but the adult age in reality is 18?
29. Why do most people put more effort into their wedding than their actual marriage?
30. Why do dogs walk around in circles before lying down?
31. Can a metal plate in your head get rusted?
32. Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves?
33. How come you can kill a deer and put it on your wall but it's illegal to keep them as a pet?
34. What do vegetarians feed their dogs?
35. Can someone give up lent for lent?
36. Why would Dodge make a car called Ram?
37. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
38. Why is it when we duck they call us chicken?
39. Why is there a size 12-14, 14-16, 16-18, and so forth, but no 13, 15, and 17?
40. What did cured ham actually have?
41. If CD’s were spun in the opposite direction, would it say everything backwards?
42. If lava melts rock, wouldn’t the lava melt the volcano?
43. If a man has no fingers, can he press charges?
44. Are children who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouth full?
45. Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?
46. Can you write in pencil on an eraser?
47. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
48. Why is it that when we are humming and then we plug our nose, our humming stops? Do people really hum through their nose, or their mouths?
49. Can you blow a balloon up under water?
50. Can crop circles be square?
51. How do they get the air inside the bubble wrap?
52. Why are there black lines on a basketball?
53. Why are there pictures of the sun wearing sunglasses when the purpose of sunglasses is to protect your eyes from the sun?
54. If you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st – January 1st, which year would you say you were born in?
55. If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?
56. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
57. When a car is for sale and it has a balloon on it, does the balloon come with it?
58. If you are parking somewhere and the signs in front of the parked cars say "30 minutes" then when your 30 minutes are up can you park in the spot right next to you??
59. When you see the weather report and it says "partly cloudy" and then the next day it says "partly sunny"; what’s the difference?
60. Can a person choke and die on a life savor?
61. What happens when you say “hi” to your friend on an airplane who's name is Jack?
62. If you took a compass to outer space would it still point "magnetic north"? Is there still a north, south, east, and west in space?
63. Why is it illegal to put money in other people's parking meters?
64. Do people with big eyes see at a wider range than people with smaller eyes?
65. Do you ever notice those red balls on the wires while your driving? Well what are they for?

Just for Laugh

Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Sit down, sir, we serve anyone.

Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter?

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right, Sir, he won't drink much.

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter: So what do you ! Expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?
Waiter : I wouldn't know, Sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But why aren't you laughing?

------------------

Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
Son : Well, where did you get mummy then?

-----------------

Peter : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at Home.

-----------------

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

-----------------

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!! "
Second Guy : "You're fortunate, mine's still alive."

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A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gavel on his table and shouted, "Order, order. "
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you,your honour, I'll have a scotch and soda."

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An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
"My trouble is,'"he said, "that I keep forgetting things.'"
"How long has this been going on?" asked the psychiatrist.
"How long has what been going on?" said the man.

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1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! This is no time for superstitions.

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Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.

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Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.

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Man : Where are you from?
Woman : U.S.A.
Man : Are you here on vacation?
Woman : No. I'm here for lunch.
Man : What!!! All the way from United States of America!!!
Woman : No! Upper Serangoon Avenue.
Man : &*(^%#$!)*&^

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A lady went to a restaurant and ordered a bowl of soup.
Lady : Waiter, what is this soup called?
Waiter : It is called special chicken soup.
Lady : But I see no chicken in it!
Waiter : That's why it's so special!

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Mother : Why did you throw the butter out of the window?
Son : I wanted to see a butterfly.

Installing Love

Tech Support: Yes, ... How can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install love. Can you guide me through the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running ?

Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low
Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error - Program not run on external components." What should I do?

Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its
various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: Thank you, God.

Drink Water To Lose Weight

Weight Loss Success Stories: Drinking Water to Lose Weight :

What if someone told you you could lose weight with no effort on your part? What if there was a secret to losing weight that didn't involve increased exercise or decreased calorie consumption? And what if this secret method was free and easily available to you? Would you jump at the chance to do it?

The secret to some fast weight loss without exercise or diet changes is to drink more water!

Here's where I know there must be some kind of self-sabotage involved in my battle to lose the last ten pounds. I know I should be drinking more water, and it is the easiest thing in the world to do. It doesn't involve willpower it doesn't involve dragging myself out to exercise, and it doesn't involve cutting back on calories. So why aren't I doing it?

It's not just me. Most North Americans are dehydrated. In fact, chronic dehydration is probably the most common cause of a lot of our health ailments. There are two main reasons so many people are dehydrated these days. We eat less vegetables and fruits (which are water-dense) and more processed foods than we should. And we drink lots of caffeinated beverages instead of water. Caffeinated beverages and alcohol are diuretics. They force more water out of our bodies. If a person is dehydrated their body compensates by retaining excess water as a protective measure. This alone is responsible for a lot of excess weight. As well, a dehydrated person's metabolism is significantly lower than a normally hydrated person.

Dehydration is responsible for many people's feelings of fatigue. Many people have lost their sense of thirst and mistake it for hunger. Drinking a glass of water will usually greatly reduce any false hunger pangs.

So the solution to losing at least a few extra pounds sounds easy. Start with two glasses of room temperature water first thing in the morning. Thats before you drink coffee or eat your breakfast. Try to drink some water
regularly during the day. And eat more water dense foods such as vegetables, fruits and even legumes.

I'll get right on it. And I'd be keen to hear any feedback from people who have recently tried this for losing weight.

Hands Free Phone

10 Really Stupid Questions

1. At the movies:
When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Don't u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus:
A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia..... Why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral:
One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant:
When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together:
When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question:- Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating, insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. Were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... You dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ............it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!