New Guidelines for Employees - Funny

1. DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according
to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada
sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you
are doing well financially and therefore you do not
need a raise.


2. SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you
are able to come to work.


3. SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an
employee here, you need all your organs. You should
not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.


4. PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays and Sundays.


5. VACATION DAYS:

All employees will take their vacation at the same time
every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1,
July 4, and December 25.


6. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for deceased friends, relatives, or co-workers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend
to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled
in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to
work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
hour early, provided your work is done.


7. OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require
at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train
your own replacement.


8. RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
In the future, we will follow the practice of going once
each day, in alphabetical order.
For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A'
will go from 8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin
with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're
unable to go at your allotted time, it will be
necessary to wait until the next day when your turn
comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may
swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'
supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time
limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,
an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will
retract, and the stall door will open.


9. LUNCH BREAK:

Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to
eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size
people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance
meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people
get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the
time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Generation Gap ( joke)

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football
game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next
to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand
his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one
!", the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.

"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space
travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We
have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL,
BPS, light-speed processing .... and..."

...pausing to take another drink of beer.... The Senior took advantage
of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We
didn't have those things when we were young, so we invented them. Now,
you - arrogant little - what are you doing for the next generation?"

How not to pass exams

Ten ways to Stop telemarketing Calls

Ten ways to stop those credit card sales, mobile companies, insurance
calls from irritating you:

1 After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.

2 Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her,
if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call
him/her back.

3 Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

4 Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put
them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure.
Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

5 Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the
phone to your five year old child.

6 Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up....
louder... louder... louder!

7 If they start out with, "How are you today?", say "I'm so glad you
asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these
problems............."

8 Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.

9 Cry out in surprise, "Helen, is that you? I've been hoping you'd
call! How is the family?" When they insist they are not Helen, tell
them to stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is
really MALE.

10 Tell the ICICI call centre guy to call on your office number - and
give him the HSBC call centre number.

Deadly Scrabble

Someone out there either has too much

spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!

DILIP VENGSARKAR
When you rearrange the letters:
SPARKLING DRIVE

PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters:
END IS A CAR SPIN

MONICA LEWINSKY
When you rearrange the letters:
NICE SILKY WOMAN

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROO M

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Be a LEADER, Not a BOSS

The boss drives his men;

The Leader coaches them.

The boss depends on authority;

The Leader on goodwill.

The boss inspires fear;

The Leader inspires enthusiasm.

The boss says "I";

The Leader says "We".

The boss says; "Get there on time"

The Leader gets there ahead of time.

The boss fixes blame for the breakdown;

The Leader fixes the breakdown.

The boss knows how it is done;

The Leader shows how.

The boss says, "Go";

The Leaders says, "Lets go".

The boss uses people;

The Leader develops them.

The boss sees today;

The Leader also looks at tomorrow.

The boss commands;

The Leader asks.

The boss never has enough time;

The Leader takes time for things that count.

The boss is concerned with things;

The Leader is concerned with people.

The boss lets his people know where he stands;

The Leader lets his people know where they stand.

The boss works hard to produce;

The Leader works hard to help his people produce.

The boss takes the credit;

The Leader gives it away.

So…..Who are you? A boss or a Leader?……

Think.......

And take action to become a LEADER, not a BOSSSSSSSS.